Dating is actually a selection process by which you decide who will be with you…

You're picking the person who's going to be with you on the worst day of your life. That's what dating is. You're picking the cast for the shittiest day of your life. No one likes to say it because it's not romantic. It's the opposite of romantic. But you're picking the person who will be next to you when your life shatters into a million billion pieces and God gives you the group assignment of putting everything back together.

But unlike in school, you get to pick your partner. And don't say, well, I just won't have a worst day because that's not how it works. Everyone has an appointment with a crap sandwich. You just get to pick who you're going to go havesies with.

And let me tell you, on that day, how tall that person is or how nice their rear end is will not matter. What will matter is their ability to stay calm, to work with others, and to endure difficult situations without lashing out. Now, this next part can bum people out. So

I'm going to substitute the words zombie apocalypse for some of the difficult things you might need your partner to help you handle. You need someone who will be able to call multiple people and say, hey, dad had a zombie apocalypse. He's in the hospital. I'm going to text you the address. I need you to meet us there. Or someone who will not be afraid to take your hand and say,

well, babe, it turns out our pension was invested in a fund that went zombie apocalypse. So our retirement is gone. But don't worry, we're going to figure this out together. Or someone who will say, honey, our neighbor's eating the cat in the backyard. I think this might be the zombie

apocalypse., no, I think that last one might be about the zombie apocalypse. Anyway, follow me for more of whatever this is.

Anyway, follow me for more of whatever this is.